Communication
- the bridge of healing

Because communication leads to forgiveness, it is the heart of healing. About eighty-five per cent of all conflict seems to be healed by clarification of what we are experiencing, our intentions and goals in the situation. The other fifteen per cent represents areas of chronic conflict for both parties that have now surfaced to be healed. Fighting for our way, overtly or covertly, does not lead to either maturity or progress. While it is important not to let ourselves be overrun, fighting suggests a weakened, fearful and immature position.

Communication is the bridge where both parties can win in a mature and more integrated fashion. The first aspect of communication is the willingness to set a goal in which both parties can win, and not stop before the empowering goal is reached by both. If there is a sense of sacrifice or compromise (which indicates the communication has not come to resolution) there will be a feeling sooner or later that one or both have lost, and the conflict will resume.

There are a number of safeguards to keep our communication effective. The first is to be discerning rather than naive. It is important not give ourselves over and be used in any situation, to be aware if the person is using our "niceness" against us in a manipulative way or if the person is “vamping” the communication to take and use our energy. Most people do this unconsciously and are willing to stop as they become aware of this subtle attack. But if we become aware the person holds no good intention for us, it might be important to remove ourselves from the situation. We need to step forward in our healing and consciousness, letting them go rather than falling for the glamour of trying to save them (and thus becoming an enabler), or giving ourselves up to be used in sacrifice.

Also we can realistically address how successful we have been in our healing with this person so far. It is important not to give ourselves over to abuse in the name of healing. On the other hand, we can discern what can be overlooked in the name of healing and maturity on our part. We need to examine how sensitive we are and how quick to take offence. We can make a new choice regarding our behaviour and set new goals for ourselves and our relationship.

The purpose of our communication is to change ourselves rather than them. Next, if we wish to be successful, it is important to communicate willingness to learn and change Our change will naturally facilitate their change. Trying to change them will strengthen their resistance and puts the emphasis on the wrong aspect - forcing or manipulating them to change to meet our needs. We are never in a conflict unless there is something to learn and to heal.

The next step in communication is to communicate what is not working or what it is we are upset about. Recognising we are never upset for the reason we think allows us to reassure our partner in this communication. The purpose of our communication is not to trigger their guilt, but to come to resolution. If we then 'own' what is not working by taking responsibility for our experience, we inspire our partner with a willingness to continue communication now and in the future. They understand the purpose of the communication is not to make them wrong.

To do this, we recognise our experience as being our responsibility, and then share our underlying feelings and experience as clearly as we can. Next, we become aware of how this feeling or situation is actually part of a pattern that began for us in an earlier time and place. Then we share this with the person whom we are in conflict. If we share our process as we become aware of it, keeping to the emotional content as much as possible, we will find the communication shifts us and moves us forward. It is our communication which shifts us.

Our willingness to receive their communication, even if they are not playing by our principles, can produce great movement. Anyone who feels they are heard becomes very receptive. What makes this successful, even if our communication partner is attacking us, is our willingness to not defend ourselves, our willingness to remain harmless. Now to make this successful, it takes our willingness to experience negative or painful feelings which may be coming up for us as well as for the one attacking. Realise these feelings did not just begin recently, but were within us for some time. They’re coming up as an opportunity for us to heal them just by experiencing the feelings until they are gone. This might even take a day or two, but once it is finished, that layer of pain will be finished forever. If we pour love into someone while they are having a tantrum then they typically never quite act like that again.

It takes courage to face our own feelings in order to heal and evolve, because we don’t want to feel pain. Unfortunately, much of our learning and evolution does take place in this manner. Our willingness to learn in these types of situations can progress us to a point where we do not shy away from our pain, but use it as a barometer for healing. Taking this stance eventually takes away the need to learn with pain as the teacher.

All kinds of emotions may get triggered for us in this communication, such as guilt, fear, hurt, loss, need, anger and frustration. But to use the situation to feel our feelings and communicate them until they are gone, re-associates us to our feelings and ourselves. The extent to which we do this allows for partnership, receiving and eventually the transcendence of negative emotion into joy and the higher mental and spiritual realms. But we cannot avoid negative emotions. We must heal or transcend them to move forward.

To have a successful relationship we must have successful communication. It is an essential factor in maturity and evolution. So, we might as well decide to become an expert in communication for it will benefit our love life, our career and our family.

Healing Exercise Today, decide to become an expert on communication. It will serve you your whole life. Practice the principles of communication in this lesson with those around you. You may want to write them down so they are available to you. Practice these principles especially with someone you dislike. Let them know you value the relationship enough to communicate to make i better. Appreciate their willingness to work with you on this. If they are totally uncooperative, you can ask someone close toyou to role-play them. Have them just 'tune in' to the person you dislike, paying special attention to thaperson's emotional experience as they communicate. As you imagine them in front of you, communicate what is not working for you and take responsibility for what you are feeling. While you are sharing and as it surfaces, experience and follow the feeling and/or life pattern back to the time and place where they began Remember, if no pattern emerges about where this painful feeling or conlict began, just acknowledge your responsibility for this feeling. Describe, as best you can, the nuances of this feeling, e.g. how it feels; what it is like to eel this; the thoughts that come with it; how it affects you, etc. Imagine yourself sharing the feeling about this with the person with whom you’re not getting along To keep it transformaive, stay as close to the heart of the feeling as possible in your sharing withou getting caugh up in thoughts or stories.

* from 50 Ways to Get Along with Absolutely Anyone by Chuck Spezzano

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Communication

Healing:

Letting Go (Healing)
Holding on reflects your fear of life and of taking the next step. It causes depression.